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Question:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Don’t you think it is time you let go brother? I want to, and I should try to. I guess I will try, though I have no idea how to do it. It’s like a story where someone keeps absorbing other people, and displaying the traits of those people. It’s not just my dad, although that’s the biggest part. My mom is still in my life, and still a very negative force. There’s also a lot of kids I can’t remember who made school so difficult. There’s also the people at college, who ostracized me. There’s my own loathing of my current level of strength. It seems everything in my past is painful proof that I should be destroyed. All this is absorbed, and reflecting back on my mind, in language so repulsive I’ve literally never described it to anyone. Well, I did repeat one rather benign sentence to someone once, when she asked me to describe what I say to myself. I told her, "You fucking piece of shit," and she laughed at me, so I’ve never shared my inner monologue with anyone else. It doesn’t really need to be explained. Just imagine that someone is standing in front of you, and you are so enraged at that person that you start shouting the most abusive things you can think of. IOW, what you say can’t express how much you hate that person, so you’re constantly in search of something more horrible to say. I do that all through the day, every day. My wakeup routine is: drink some pop, smoke some tobacco, feel the pain start again, say something to myself like, "You little cocksucking motherfucker, I’m going to fucking kill you," and then that sets the tone for the rest of the day. I really don’t know how to turn it off. It gets even worse than that. A while ago, I was pacing the apartment just talking nonsense, big words that didn’t mean anything, like, "The epitomy of the abstraction at hand is the furtherance of holography", or something like that, because it was comforting. Sometimes I imagine scenes of mass murder, even on an enormous scale. I think I’ve been doing this every day for about ten years, so I’m not a danger to anyone. It’s just very hard to live with. I really have no idea why I’m talking about this, and yet, it seems odd to realize that I’ve never told anyone this before, and I’ve been living with it for a long time. I don’t know if this will make it through to the group, as it’s kind of hardcore, but my mind is pretty hardcore now. Hope you’re well, Ian

‘Nuff said. kili — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

Thanks, Kili. It’s such a weird night. Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

Are you kidding they could’ve kept me there for months?

You hear things in mental hospitals. Last few times I was in, the word was that insurance companies were refusing to pay for more than a few days, and that you had to either be suicidal or homicidal to get in. Of course, as I was told this, my hospital stays were growing longer and longer. This is when I came to the conclusion that the rules were different for gov’t insurance, like mine. Medicare has a sort of, "Don’t ask, don’t tell" policy, it seems. Of course, this is in the US. There are some psych wards which are still pretty good, and people will lie and say they’re suicidal just to get in, at which point the pdocs will lie and say the patients need further supervision, in order to keep them as long as they need. Around here, though, no one wants in, and everyone wants out. There was one unfortunate woman I met last time around who checked herself in thinking she was going to get a bit of a vacation. Apparently she’d been to one of the better places in the past. She pretended to enjoy her stay for a while, until she finally just got the hell out of there as fast as possible. Middle-class corporate woman, who probably had rationed her vacation days for her stay. I hope she’s told someone about the conditions in there, as I’m doing now. I think I read somewhere that most of the mentally ill of the USA are either out in the streets or in jail.

Yes, that’s true, at least from what I’ve seen and heard. The homeless are people who’ve fallen through the cracks in the system, and there are many cracks. It could happen to me, too. If I got thrown out of this building, and I couldn’t get into AFC, I’d be on the streets. Unlikely, though. Part of what fills in the cracks in the system is friends and family, and I’m lucky to have both, and some even middle-class. The jail thing, well … that’s the American temperament. If my TV watching has taught me anything, it’s that in order to prove you’re not guilty by reason of mental defect, you have to prove you couldn’t tell the difference between right and wrong at the time you committed a crime, and that you’re incompetant to stand trial. This is, of course, ridiculous. There is no definition of mental illness that reduces it down to that level. In fact, tons of mentally ill people get thrown into prison, because society wants them to pay for their crimes. Prison is certainly the last place you want to be if you’re mentally ill. In the big maximum security prison in Michigan — Jackson — statistics say you’ll be raped twice on your first day in. If a person is sentenced to be removed from society, that’s one thing … the sentence doesn’t include brutal trauma. The USA is actually on Amnesty International’s list of human rights abusers, because of our prison system. Let me see if I can find one story I read about on Usenet: http://tinyurl.com/jo6se I think it’s the same one, though the post is different. The post I read was the mother coming on to Usenet to plead her son’s case to the populace. I found it when doing research on Haldol. He had been given a big dose of Haldol, and his back and neck arched up and froze in that position, so they injected him with Cogentin, to stop his muscles from breaking his bones. There are people who are suffering terribly right now under gov’ts that claim to support every section of the citizenry. It’s just tragic. Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

Don’t you think it is time you let go brother?

I want to, and I should try to. I guess I will try, though I have no idea how to do it. It’s like a story where someone keeps absorbing other people, and displaying the traits of those people. It’s not just my dad, although that’s the biggest part. My mom is still in my life, and still a very negative force. There’s also a lot of kids I can’t remember who made school so difficult. There’s also the people at college, who ostracized me. There’s my own loathing of my current level of strength. It seems everything in my past is painful proof that I should be destroyed. All this is absorbed, and reflecting back on my mind, in language so repulsive I’ve literally never described it to anyone. Well, I did repeat one rather benign sentence to someone once, when she asked me to describe what I say to myself. I told her, "You fucking piece of shit," and she laughed at me, so I’ve never shared my inner monologue with anyone else. It doesn’t really need to be explained. Just imagine that someone is standing in front of you, and you are so enraged at that person that you start shouting the most abusive things you can think of. IOW, what you say can’t express how much you hate that person, so you’re constantly in search of something more horrible to say. I do that all through the day, every day. My wakeup routine is: drink some pop, smoke some tobacco, feel the pain start again, say something to myself like, "You little cocksucking motherfucker, I’m going to fucking kill you," and then that sets the tone for the rest of the day. I really don’t know how to turn it off. It gets even worse than that. A while ago, I was pacing the apartment just talking nonsense, big words that didn’t mean anything, like, "The epitomy of the abstraction at hand is the furtherance of holography", or something like that, because it was comforting. Sometimes I imagine scenes of mass murder, even on an enormous scale. I think I’ve been doing this every day for about ten years, so I’m not a danger to anyone. It’s just very hard to live with. I really have no idea why I’m talking about this, and yet, it seems odd to realize that I’ve never told anyone this before, and I’ve been living with it for a long time. I don’t know if this will make it through to the group, as it’s kind of hardcore, but my mind is pretty hardcore now. Hope you’re well, Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

Hey brother. I haven’t been around much either. Been busy with the new kid, selling my house, and junk like that. There seems to be a part of me that acts like a father, and tells a second part of me, the child, not to listen to the third part of me, the abuser. The father is usually drowned out, though, and the abuser pretends that the father is talking. I think the child is the most important of the three, as it’s the part that has to agree to cooperate with reality. So far, that’s not happening, because reality has not proven itself trustworthy.

Don’t you think it is time you let go brother? Stop letting you dad continue to abuse you. Even though he is not doing it himself now, you are still letting him do it _through_ you. Let that anger out and focus it on the situation of not being a victim any more. Get a punching bag, and have an intense workout session and punch the crap out of the thing. Yell, do what you want. Victims of abuse have to come to a point in their life where they say "enough is enough" and stop the abuse. You have nothing to beat yourself up over. You are a good man and you have a good heart. Let it go. Some local Baha’is are moving, and I got a bunch of their food. I’m in the middle of a box of good-ass chocolates from Europe.

Ummmmm, chocolate. Hope all are well,

Hang in there brother. You are in my prayers. Ian

Jim — American Democracy: One more candidate than Communism JimD – Central FL, USA, Earth, Sol — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

I guess I was lucky. When I was incacerated (I called a helpline re: my suicidal thoughts) I had AD a lot worse. It was like I was perpetually in a PA. Now it’s just situational. The guy in charge, who was dressed like a clown (I’m not kidding, it was Halloween when I went in), told me if I could prove to him that I was calm, cool and collected so he wouldn’t have to resort to giving me ativan, he would let me out that evening. I had to eat dinner too (to prove the point). I never realized that they could’ve kept me there for weeks or months? Are you kidding they could’ve kept me there for months? One guy who was there left right after dinner. He seemed completely together too. He said he only came there for the food. I remember another young woman who just cried and cried about her baby, I tried to console her but it didn’t help, they had to sedate her. I think I read somewhere that most of the mentally ill of the USA are either out in the streets or in jail. — Doug

I didn’t realize all this. It shows you how messed up the American system of health care is Yeah, and I’m not exaggerating, either. Around here, people with private insurance usually only stay a few days, while people with gov’t insurance stay the maximum, which is usually just under a month. They *could* keep you longer, but they let you out in time to receive your check.

SNIPPED Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

Take care of the child within even if you have to stomp your feet and yell a bit.

I’m tryin’, Frizz. Thing is, these are all aspects of the same personality, so, in all likelihood, there is just the child, who is both abusing himself, and trying to stop the abuse. He is also 34, and much different than a real child. He’s seen most of everything, and is shaken up. Plus people stop protecting you when you reach a certain age, so he’s all by himself. Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

I didn’t realize all this. It shows you how messed up the American system of health care is, if you CAN’T ask for help when you need it most… — Doug

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – maybe you could make an appointment w/your therapist/psych if you’re feeling this bad. You should at least give them a call to tell them how you’re feeling. I don’t think I should do that, because I don’t want to be hospitalized. If they knew what was going on in my head, that’s the first thing they would do. Around here the psych ward is just a holding tank. They hold you for three reasons: one, to avoid any liability; two, to milk the insurance companies as much as possible; three, to get you into the adult foster care system. I would lose my apartment, IOW, if I went into the hospital. So I can’t ask for professional help. I’ve got to stick this one out. Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

I didn’t realize all this. It shows you how messed up the American system of health care is

Yeah, and I’m not exaggerating, either. Around here, people with private insurance usually only stay a few days, while people with gov’t insurance stay the maximum, which is usually just under a month. They *could* keep you longer, but they let you out in time to receive your check. They have a neat little trick around here. After you’ve been in a few days, the public defender shows up with some paperwork, and tells you that you have the right to protest your incarceration. The problem is, that if you go to court and try to get let out, then all bets are off. They tell you only 2% of people who fight it in court actually win, and if you lose, you typically stay for months on end. If I were to sign a piece of paper, giving up all my rights, I would be on the fast track, and would probably get out in a few weeks. On the one hand, this is the public defender trying to lessen his/her case load. It’s not a joke that, in the US, if you’re stuck at a trial with a court-appointed attorney, you’d just as well pull your trousers down and lay your member on the table, exclaiming, as loud as possible: "This is my dick." You’d end up with the same results. On the other hand, this is just the way the system works. Pdocs on the inside don’t like it when you have rights. They like to keep all their toy soldiers in a row. It’s a power trip. So you sign the paper, and put everything in the hands of your psychiatrist. Last time I was in, I was immediately given a new psychiatrist (the one who ran things over there). The first thing he did was take me off the five psych meds my old pdoc had me on, cold turkey, and switch me to a bunch of new ones. Of course, they also take away your nicotine, except for the occasional break, and they take away your caffeine. They also expect you to sleep on a regular schedule. It’s no surprise that, after a few days, you fit the inflated diagnosis handed down by the pdoc, and actually *do* have to stay for a few weeks. If they only left you alone, they would see you were coping. There used to be a time when psych wards were staffed by psychologists. Maybe there still are some, but not around here. Every single staff member is a nurse, some on rotation, some who have been there forever. You’re forced to go to groups, but groups are nothing more than reading through xerox sheets of various self-help methods. No one there actually has any idea how to treat the mentally ill. They can also be pretty nasty. I was put in because I’d tried to get high on my Ativan, and somehow the lines got crossed, and they thought I was trying to commit suicide. That problem didn’t get straightened out for four weeks, despite telling everyone I could what the situation was. I kept giving away the URL to my books site to staffers, and begging them to look at it, because it would prove my sanity. After all, it’s a supremely sane website, and the code is absolutely perfect. I don’t know. I went up to the nurses’ station one night, to say I couldn’t sleep, and I saw my site up on the computer, with nurses gathered around. One of them said sarcastically, "Well this certainly proves his sanity!" Then I said something, and they all turned around, embarrassed. I made sure to humiliate that guy as much as possible the rest of my stay. Then there was the old lady who passed out in the common room and hit her head on a table. I didn’t see it, but I heard the bang when her head hit. Someone ran out and said, "So and so’s passed out and hit her head on a table!" The nurses came in, dragged her out, and propped her up in a wheelchair, leaving her in the hallway until she came to. I kept telling them she’d hit her head on a table, but they only replied, "She never hit her head on the table." There’s lots more stories, but this is not a novel. I guess such is the treatment in St. Joe, Michigan. There was a good place in Chicago I used to go to, but the guy who ran it, my old pdoc, ended up falling off the wagon, becoming a crackhead, and collapsing in his office, hitting his head on a table (strangely enough) and ending up in a coma for a week. He now lives in a group home, which would be the sweetest irony, except he never deserved such a fate. There are a lot of pdocs who do deserve that, but not him. He was a cool cat. The worst place was "The Two Hallways" in Detroit. I won’t even go into that, except to say that my inside girlfriend was raped by her roommate, and absolutely nothing was done about it. These places are horrible. Insurance companies don’t want to pay for real treatment, and so the hospitals just get worse and worse. Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

We don’t have control over what our mind initially things BUT we can challenge these thoughts and turn them into a positive thing.

It’s like someone standing over me and beating me. That’s a tough thing to find a silver lining in. I do try to challenge the thoughts, but they usually respond by saying, "Who are *you* to say that?" It’s a weird existence, that’s for sure. :-/ Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

<<<<<<<<<<Ian Take care of the child within even if you have to stomp your feet and yell a bit. Get lots of rest too and know that this will pass. It ain’t easy but you can handle it. Keep posting too. -frizz (sending vibes of strength) — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

Hang in there, Ian. I’m sorry you are having such a rough time. We’re here for you.

Thanks, Anne. I’m sure things will eventually calm down. Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

maybe you could make an appointment w/your therapist/psych if you’re feeling this bad. You should at least give them a call to tell them how you’re feeling.

I don’t think I should do that, because I don’t want to be hospitalized. If they knew what was going on in my head, that’s the first thing they would do. Around here the psych ward is just a holding tank. They hold you for three reasons: one, to avoid any liability; two, to milk the insurance companies as much as possible; three, to get you into the adult foster care system. I would lose my apartment, IOW, if I went into the hospital. So I can’t ask for professional help. I’ve got to stick this one out. Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

Maybe if you try to focus on forgiveness for a while, the anger will ease.

I have no idea what I did wrong, though. Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

Ian, maybe you could make an appointment w/your therapist/psych if you’re feeling this bad. You should at least give them a call to tell them how you’re feeling. — Doug

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m sorry I haven’t been on the group much, or been myself. My level of pain has jumped over the past few weeks. I’m extremely depressed and isolated, and talk to myself in the most abusive possible fashion. My thoughts are almost always extremely violent, both in character and content, and yet only the smallest amount of violence leaks out. This is in the form of getting angry with someone. There seems to be a part of me that acts like a father, and tells a second part of me, the child, not to listen to the third part of me, the abuser. The father is usually drowned out, though, and the abuser pretends that the father is talking. I think the child is the most important of the three, as it’s the part that has to agree to cooperate with reality. So far, that’s not happening, because reality has not proven itself trustworthy. Some local Baha’is are moving, and I got a bunch of their food. I’m in the middle of a box of good-ass chocolates from Europe. That’s the good aspect to the day. I also just woke up and it was dark outside, which created a great sense of relief. But overall, I’m really struggling hard, and needed to say this to the group. I feel I’m not expressing in this post just how extreme this experience is, but I don’t know what I’ve left out. Hope all are well, Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

I think many of us have been there before. Just try to breathe and know that you’ll get through it. Try to post if you need any help. We’re here. We’ll listen.

Thanks, Kili. I guess I can try to communicate more, though the strain makes it very difficult. Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

{{{{{{{ Ian }}}}}}} I think many of us have been there before. Just try to breathe and know that you’ll get through it. Try to post if you need any help. We’re here. We’ll listen. kili — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

Hi, Ian, I am sorry you are feeling out of sorts. The mind can play a tug-of-war with us. We don’t have control over what our mind initially things BUT we can challenge these thoughts and turn them into a positive thing. Take care and vent all you need. smiles, Elise

– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

I’m sorry I haven’t been on the group much, or been myself. My level of pain has jumped over the past few weeks. I’m extremely depressed and isolated, and talk to myself in the most abusive possible fashion. My thoughts are almost always extremely violent, both in character and content, and yet only the smallest amount of violence leaks out. This is in the form of getting angry with someone. There seems to be a part of me that acts like a father, and tells a second part of me, the child, not to listen to the third part of me, the abuser. The father is usually drowned out, though, and the abuser pretends that the father is talking. I think the child is the most important of the three, as it’s the part that has to agree to cooperate with reality. So far, that’s not happening, because reality has not proven itself trustworthy. Some local Baha’is are moving, and I got a bunch of their food. I’m in the middle of a box of good-ass chocolates from Europe. That’s the good aspect to the day. I also just woke up and it was dark outside, which created a great sense of relief. But overall, I’m really struggling hard, and needed to say this to the group. I feel I’m not expressing in this post just how extreme this experience is, but I don’t know what I’ve left out. Hope all are well, Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

Hang in there, Ian. I’m sorry you are having such a rough time. We’re here for you. xxoo Anne — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m sorry I haven’t been on the group much, or been myself. My level of pain has jumped over the past few weeks. I’m extremely depressed and isolated, and talk to myself in the most abusive possible fashion. My thoughts are almost always extremely violent, both in character and content, and yet only the smallest amount of violence leaks out. This is in the form of getting angry with someone. There seems to be a part of me that acts like a father, and tells a second part of me, the child, not to listen to the third part of me, the abuser. The father is usually drowned out, though, and the abuser pretends that the father is talking. I think the child is the most important of the three, as it’s the part that has to agree to cooperate with reality. So far, that’s not happening, because reality has not proven itself trustworthy. Some local Baha’is are moving, and I got a bunch of their food. I’m in the middle of a box of good-ass chocolates from Europe. That’s the good aspect to the day. I also just woke up and it was dark outside, which created a great sense of relief. But overall, I’m really struggling hard, and needed to say this to the group. I feel I’m not expressing in this post just how extreme this experience is, but I don’t know what I’ve left out. Hope all are well, Ian

I’m sorry you’re going through this, Ian. It sounds to me like you are deeply angry with yourself over something, or some things. I hope you can forgive yourself or otherwise eliminate the anger so you can feel better. If you can take one step in that direction, the next step will be a bit easier to take, and the next one after that. Maybe if you try to focus on forgiveness for a while, the anger will ease. http://www.12stepworkbook.org/pub/Workshops/Forgiveness.pdf Might be useful for you. Take good care of yourself, including actually being nice to yourself. Deirdre — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

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