Activism Change

I'm a failure and feeling trapped (I Need To Whine)

Question:

  In my experience, and according to what many other women have told me, women seem to need solitude more than men, or at least more arguments are about that than the reverse. and right after the divorce, I became unreasonable {looking back} compulsive about my kid being in bed by 8 pm…I was desperate  for solitude…I can remember that…. Patricia

Mothers desperately desperately need solitude. I do anyway. It’s having to ask a favour from somebody else every single time you want a moment to your self that is so stressful.         ?      //|      | | | | | Jay and Canarybird have gone leaving an Empty Cage.

Response:

If it is true that women need more solitude than men, then I am very pleased because I have always had a tendency towards isolation but I have believed this is socially unacceptable. However, I know I have an unhealthy tendency not to be able to cope with large groups and hide myself away from them and this can cause guilt in me and worry in the group/s.  (I can start out optimistic and reasonable in these situations then fade out.)  Any comments welcomed. REgards – Rosib

Response:

There is *nothing* abnormal, wrong, sick, or anything else like that about needing solitude.   In my experience, and according to what many other women have told me, women seem to need solitude more than men, or at least more arguments are about that than the reverse.

Now this struck a huge chord with me. When I was married, I used to so desperately need solitude that I used to go on long shopping trips to the closest military base which required a stay overnight  {we were retired USAF} to buy stuff we could have got at almost the same price locally. I did not find out until years later {at the divorce hearing} how bitterly my husband rsented these trips. and right after the divorce, I became unreasonable {looking back} compulsive about my kid being in bed by 8 pm…I was desperate  for solitude…I can remember that…. Patricia

Response:

I want to go away for a couple day’s alone but the hubby doesn’t understand this need to be alone.  He thinks if I go away for a couple day’s that I wont come back.  I’ve never ran out on my responsibilities (YUK! what an ishy word) and wouldn’t start now. Is the need for solitude normal???

((Jane))      There is *nothing* abnormal, wrong, sick, or anything else like that about needing solitude.  When I was very young I had hardly any friends and I thought I hated being alone; then went I went to college I had a lot of friends, but it was very difficult to be alone at all (not that I was *swarmed* with friends or anything, it was dorm living that forbade solitude).  I found I missed it, although I didn’t miss not having an option about it.        In my experience, and according to what many other women have told me, women seem to need solitude more than men, or at least more arguments are about that than the reverse. I don’t know if women actually *need* time alone more then men (in general), or if it might be about semi-unconscious and denied but nevertheless present currents in our culture which maintain that women are more responsible than men for having to make everything *right*, which makes many women have a certain on-the-job feeling around any other people, even adults [and taking care of a child is extremly draining; it *does not* make you a bad mother to spend a few days away unwinding, but it will not be good for your son if you get no reliefat all).      I hope you didn’t find this long-winded feminist psycho-babble. What I meant to say, there is no reason at all you should take a little time by yourself if your are sure that your depression doesn’t make it unsafe for you to be alone.  Your husband is probably afraid to have you go for reasons that have more to do with his problems than your, although he may be worried about your depression.       Good luck -Lisa "I’m your monster/I’m not like you/all your life is written for you"      -Sleater Kinney

Response:

Thanks Bluebird for the welcome…  I’m going on a vacation with some friends and my sister for about four days.  Was kinda talked into it…  I’ll need a vacation from vacations when I get back as I am forced to enjoy myself. Jane

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -says… My God, Jane, are you living my life??? I’m in a marriage where my husband loves me to a distraction and all I want is out.  He puts me on a pedestal where I don’t want to be.  I’m in love with someone else and don’t know what to do.  Anyone familiar with Garth Brook’s and Trisha Yearwood’s "In Another’s Eyes"  that’s the way I feel.  I’m tired of living the way everyone expects me to live. Don’t know the song, but I know the feeling, since I’m also on that uncomfortable pedestal.  Not in love with anyone else at this point, though. But I’m still leaving him…for MYSELF.  And the kids will stay with him, because of school and the fact that I need the solitude to heal. So you guys are my only form of venting as my husband doesn’t understand what’s up with me or why I feel this way.  He coddles me and walks on egg shells around me and that drives me nutz.  Actually just about anything he does lately drives me nutz. I want to go away for a couple day’s alone but the hubby doesn’t understand this need to be alone.  He thinks if I go away for a couple day’s that I wont come back.  I’ve never ran out on my responsibilities (YUK! what an ishy word) and wouldn’t start now. Is the need for solitude normal??? Well sorry to dump on you nice people…  I know my depression history is new to you all.  My life is so complicated right now I don’t know where to start! Well, she said profoundly, my life is equally complicated for many of the same reasons.  I’m exhausted from two days of apartment-hunting with no success. But I need a place to live, the sooner the better, because I’m committed to taking a break (maybe a permanent one) from my marriage of 22 years. The need for solitude is completely normal.  I need months of it – maybe years – in order to let my frayed nerves heal.  And I appear normal and functional to most people.  I have done everything for my family – even *thought* for them, it seems – for years, and we all need a chance to stand on our own two feet (or our own 10 feet – there are 5 of us). So welcome to the club! Bluebird

Response:

Thanks will try! Jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Well sorry to dump on you nice people…  I know my depression history is new to you all.  My life is so complicated right now I don’t know where to start! Jane, There’s no need to appologize, afterall that’s what this group is for…. Hang in there, Vagabond Kube.

Response:

says… My God, Jane, are you living my life??? I’m in a marriage where my husband loves me to a distraction and all I want is out.  He puts me on a pedestal where I don’t want to be.  I’m in love with someone else and don’t know what to do.  Anyone familiar with Garth Brook’s and Trisha Yearwood’s "In Another’s Eyes"  that’s the way I feel.  I’m tired of living the way everyone expects me to live.

Don’t know the song, but I know the feeling, since I’m also on that uncomfortable pedestal.  Not in love with anyone else at this point, though.   But I’m still leaving him…for MYSELF.  And the kids will stay with him, because of school and the fact that I need the solitude to heal. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -So you guys are my only form of venting as my husband doesn’t understand what’s up with me or why I feel this way.  He coddles me and walks on egg shells around me and that drives me nutz.  Actually just about anything he does lately drives me nutz. I want to go away for a couple day’s alone but the hubby doesn’t understand this need to be alone.  He thinks if I go away for a couple day’s that I wont come back.  I’ve never ran out on my responsibilities (YUK! what an ishy word) and wouldn’t start now. Is the need for solitude normal??? Well sorry to dump on you nice people…  I know my depression history is new to you all.  My life is so complicated right now I don’t know where to start!

Well, she said profoundly, my life is equally complicated for many of the same reasons.  I’m exhausted from two days of apartment-hunting with no success.   But I need a place to live, the sooner the better, because I’m committed to taking a break (maybe a permanent one) from my marriage of 22 years. The need for solitude is completely normal.  I need months of it – maybe years – in order to let my frayed nerves heal.  And I appear normal and functional to most people.  I have done everything for my family – even *thought* for them, it seems – for years, and we all need a chance to stand on our own two feet (or our own 10 feet – there are 5 of us). So welcome to the club! Bluebird

Response:

Well sorry to dump on you nice people…  I know my depression history is new to you all.  My life is so complicated right now I don’t know where to start!

Jane, There’s no need to appologize, afterall that’s what this group is for…. Hang in there, Vagabond Kube.

Response:

Rambling but don’t know where to start… I was recently diagnosed as being clinically depressed but know in my heart I’ve been depressed for sometime. I’m married for the third time and am failing this marriage also…  I can’t seem to get it together and actually will be relieved when this marriage is over.  I’m in a marriage where my husband loves me to a distraction and all I want is out.  He puts me on a pedestal where I don’t want to be.  I’m in love with someone else and don’t know what to do.  Anyone familiar with Garth Brook’s and Trisha Yearwood’s "In Another’s Eyes"  that’s the way I feel.  I’m tired of living the way everyone expects me to live. I know this is a messed up post, my mind is racing with all the problems I need to sort out.  I don’t even feel I’m being a good mother.  I have a Son who is ADHD and I’m at the end of my rope with him…  I was thinking he should go live with his father but that will only add to my guilt and depression as I will feel I failed him too. I am currently on Paxil 20mg a day but I have been having some real downer day’s of late.  Like out of the last five day’s I’ve been real down at least three of them.  I think I need more but can not get into my doc until March 2nd so I’m trying to hang in there… I also go to therapy once a week but he’s on vacation for another week so I cannot voice my problems to him right now.  So you guys are my only form of venting as my husband doesn’t understand what’s up with me or why I feel this way.  He coddles me and walks on egg shells around me and that drives me nutz.  Actually just about anything he does lately drives me nutz. I want to go away for a couple day’s alone but the hubby doesn’t understand this need to be alone.  He thinks if I go away for a couple day’s that I wont come back.  I’ve never ran out on my responsibilities (YUK! what an ishy word) and wouldn’t start now. Is the need for solitude normal??? Well sorry to dump on you nice people…  I know my depression history is new to you all.  My life is so complicated right now I don’t know where to start! Jane — Opportunity makes your future."  From the Movie Risky Business 1983 Want to see my home page?  Visit http://home.att.net/~JArsenal/personal.html Want to learn about the pIRCh Chat Client? Visit http://home.att.net/~JArsenal/page3.html Need to know the definition of something you saw in a Chat Room or in the News Group?  Visit http://home.att.net/~JArsenal/page15.html Do you hate spam?  So do I.  Be a part of the solution join CAUCE today.  Be a proud member as I am.  http://www.cauce.org

Response:

Filed under: Feminist

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