Activism Change

Family Support

Question:

I have a question for everyone. I got married about a year and a half ago. My then fiancee made me think that he would be supportive of my panics and really put up a good front. Now, he completely refuses to even acknowledge it and has accused me of "using it to get out of doing things I don’t want to do". I am SOOOOOOOOOOO angry with him and feel as though he put up a front before we got married to make me think he was going to be supportive but he’s not!!! I dont ask him to understand it because you cant understand it unless you’ve been there but I told him understanding it and being just a LITTLE sympathetic or compassionate to it is TOTALLY different. I appreciate any advice. Of course this is not the only area of my marriage that is not working, most all areas are NOT working so on top of everything else, we have this issue. Thanks, Kellie — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

I appreciate any advice. Of course this is not the only area of my marriage that is not working, most all areas are NOT working so on top of everything else, we have this issue.

You’ve answered your own questions. The marriage *itself* is a flop, hence the facade of your husband’s caring which easily dispels. This scenario is different from the so-called caregiver scenario, where an exhausted helper may becomes angry at times at a terminal patient (or just a person with a chronic illness) out of stress. — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have a question for everyone. I got married about a year and a half ago. My then fiancee made me think that he would be supportive of my panics and really put up a good front. Now, he completely refuses to even acknowledge it and has accused me of "using it to get out of doing things I don’t want to do". I am SOOOOOOOOOOO angry with him and feel as though he put up a front before we got married to make me think he was going to be supportive but he’s not!!! I dont ask him to understand it because you cant understand it unless you’ve been there but I told him understanding it and being just a LITTLE sympathetic or compassionate to it is TOTALLY different. I appreciate any advice. Of course this is not the only area of my marriage that is not working, most all areas are NOT working so on top of everything else, we have this issue. Thanks, Kellie

I can only tell you my experience.  Before we were married, he said he admired the fact that I was a feminist and had strong political views. He also said he agreed with me that we should wait 5 years before deciding to have kids.  Didn’t even take him a month to go back on both statements, and not long after I discovered he was an alcoholic, and was sexually dysfunctional, into the bargain. I bribed him to go to couples counseling with me, and during the one session he deigned to attend he sat there and smiled and said "I don’t understand why we’re here. There is nothing wrong in our marriage." Then he would go 3 days sometimes without speaking a word to me.  He stole money from my purse to go to strip clubs when we couldn’t afford decent groceries, and blamed my weight for his lack of sexual interest in me. I got the hell outta there. Never looked back, never regretted it. If you can fix it, great.  If you can’t, you can’t.  Figure that one out first, and the rest of your decisions will follow. Good luck, Deirdre — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

Hi, Kellie, Is marriage counseling out of the question?  It might be an avenue to pursue if your hubby would attend. smiles, Elise

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I have a question for everyone. I got married about a year and a half ago. My then fiancee made me think that he would be supportive of my panics and really put up a good front. Now, he completely refuses to even acknowledge it and has accused me of "using it to get out of doing things I don’t want to do". I am SOOOOOOOOOOO angry with him and feel as though he put up a front before we got married to make me think he was going to be supportive but he’s not!!! I dont ask him to understand it because you cant understand it unless you’ve been there but I told him understanding it and being just a LITTLE sympathetic or compassionate to it is TOTALLY different. I appreciate any advice. Of course this is not the only area of my marriage that is not working, most all areas are NOT working so on top of everything else, we have this issue. Thanks, Kellie — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have a question for everyone. I got married about a year and a half ago. My then fiancee made me think that he would be supportive of my panics and really put up a good front. Now, he completely refuses to even acknowledge it and has accused me of "using it to get out of doing things I don’t want to do". I am SOOOOOOOOOOO angry with him and feel as though he put up a front before we got married to make me think he was going to be supportive but he’s not!!! I dont ask him to understand it because you cant understand it unless you’ve been there but I told him understanding it and being just a LITTLE sympathetic or compassionate to it is TOTALLY different. I appreciate any advice. Of course this is not the only area of my marriage that is not working, most all areas are NOT working so on top of everything else, we have this issue. Thanks, Kellie

Oh, honey, I just don’t think it’s going to work out.  My husband has issues with my health, but not only do I have anxiety and agoraphobia, but we’re dealing with cancer; we’ve got major problems.  My husband is doing the best he can and we’ve only been married 2 years.  He cries, he holds me, he expresses his feelings and we talk.  Do you two ever talk?  Are you good friends?  To me, a solid marriage is based on friendship.  If a person can’t stick by their best friend in a time of need, then why get married?  You need to ask your husband questions like this and reassess your relationship. To me, he just doesn’t sound supportive enough. I wish you all the best, sweetie. kili — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have a question for everyone. I got married about a year and a half ago. My then fiancee made me think that he would be supportive of my panics and really put up a good front. Now, he completely refuses to even acknowledge it and has accused me of "using it to get out of doing things I don’t want to do". I am SOOOOOOOOOOO angry with him and feel as though he put up a front before we got married to make me think he was going to be supportive but he’s not!!! I dont ask him to understand it because you cant understand it unless you’ve been there but I told him understanding it and being just a LITTLE sympathetic or compassionate to it is TOTALLY different. I appreciate any advice. Of course this is not the only area of my marriage that is not working, most all areas are NOT working so on top of everything else, we have this issue. Thanks, Kellie

Kellie, I just recently put my foot down in my family about the fact I will no longer accept abuse of any kind, verbal or otherwise – anyone who tries to discount you or try to lay some stupid blame/guilt trip on you over an ILLNESS.. would get a dose of reality. Don’t you ever be fooled. that is a problem HE has, it ain’t you. Remember that if you remember nothing else. I’d tell the hubby to change it, it’s unacceptable, completely. He has that option or he can go.. Kellie, take it from one who really, really knows.. this sort of psychological abuse can damage you for years, decades… I’m sure your case doesn’t come close to what I’ve been through in my life, but I recognize that attitude. You stand up for yourself, call it like you see it. Most decent people will be shamed if you approach it from the standpoint of the truth, but I’d be completely adamant about it, and mean it.. treat you like a human being or GO.. and damned if I’d even care if he chose to. You don’t need that. I have hope for the guy, really. He acted okay before the marriage. Maybe he’s just assumed he’s got you in a state of dependence on him because  you are married and he can do what he wants now. I’d let him know otherwise.. You have NOOOOOOOOOO idea what this sort attitude from others did to me. I bought into it. If you hear it enough, you may start to believe it yourself… you see it for what it is. A problem in HIM. You put him in his place in a way that he hears you. I honestly would tell him if he wanted to continue with that attitude, he’d have to leave your presence. If you knew how dangerous this crap is..you would. I assure you. It’s not healthy to be married to someone who refuses to have any compassion, talk to you or treat you with disrespect. I know my family is on notice now, I will tolerate no more of it. I am done. BTW…. I know now why I’ve turned to Internet Support groups to be treated humanely, with respect, with kindness, with concern, with support. It has been because it’s been.. quite different in my family life. I am insisting that change. I’m not leaving you all, but I see it so clearly now. You all aren’t "fake" and this isn’t  some fantasy land.. I know I can come here anytime I have a problem and speak. That’s been completely non existent in my personal life. I will never again be "guilted" into getting help from you people, you’ve been more of a family to me than my own. I’m working on my family and laying down the law..but anyone who has that feeling there’s not something right about this.. look around you and see if you are getting this from those around you. Chances are, you are not. Love you guys a lot. Sally — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have a question for everyone. I got married about a year and a half ago. My then fiancee made me think that he would be supportive of my panics and really put up a good front. Now, he completely refuses to even acknowledge it and has accused me of "using it to get out of doing things I don’t want to do". I am SOOOOOOOOOOO angry with him and feel as though he put up a front before we got married to make me think he was going to be supportive but he’s not!!! I dont ask him to understand it because you cant understand it unless you’ve been there but I told him understanding it and being just a LITTLE sympathetic or compassionate to it is TOTALLY different. I appreciate any advice. Of course this is not the only area of my marriage that is not working, most all areas are NOT working so on top of everything else, we have this issue. Thanks, Kellie

Kellie, I didn’t want to be the one to say it first, but it sure sounds like what everyone else said.  If he will go to counseling and take it seriously, then you might have a good chance of fixing things. Otherwise, you deserve much better! I went through a very similar situation.  My anxiety and panic was very much out of control when we got married.  It didn’t take long for her to stop caring.  And the rest just sucks. ((((Kellie)))) — Tony I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his creation and is but a reflection of human frailty. Albert Einstein — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm

Response:

Filed under: Feminist

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