Activism Change

Eye contact help

Question:

—–BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE—– Hash: SHA1 In article <43226352$0$6669$626a1…@news.free.fr> "F?ank" – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -<a…@for.email> wrote: >I’m also becoming aware right now that this problem mainly happens with >my female friend. She has really beautiful blue eyes. I don’t know, >maybe sometimes I need to study them. And although I wouldn’t want to >make Babs mad by hijacking one more thread with a submission/dominance >debate, I have to say that there is a difference between looking and >being looked at. And to make it short (at 6am I should already be in >bed), I think that my problem may not be whether I look at both eyes or >just one. It may be that when I realize that I’m looking at one >particular eye, I’m just realizing that I’m actually *looking* at the >person, not being looked at. And of course, I feel guilty for that, and >I would like to go back to a submissive position, I mean, like I had >been caught staring at her boobs and I wanted to apologize for it. So >basically when I feel that looking at one eye in particular is "too >intense", it might just mean that I feel guilty for stripping the >person, looking at her body (the eye as an organ), not just looking at >her look.

Ah, guilt over the "male gaze"? Thank you Fr@nk, this describes my remaining difficulties with holding eye contact pretty well. Do you ever find that you "need" to break eye contact because things have now gone far enough?  At some point push comes to shove, and one must choose whether to run game or eject.  When, as in 99.97% of cases, due to my overly high standards, I don’t find the girl particularly attractive, I "eject" because I perceive a (false?) dichotomy of options: take a "base" (a kiss?), or reject the girl. Your introduction of the male gaze shows an opportunity to reframe: it could be perfectly okay to *keep* gazing, just surveying and receiving all the photons you like; it is perhaps even what she wants – to be the *object* of your gaze (despite "feminist" whining) – to be looked *at*. >The fact that when it happens, I usually solve the problem by looking >down for a moment is probably quite telling. i.e. assuming a submissive >posture : I’m sorry, I really didn’t want to strip you like I did.

Yes, the consensus seems to be that looking down is a "submissive" gesture.  Can you try breaking to the side, or even to above, as if to dismiss her and her possible feminazi weltanschauung, almost as if rolling your eyes? >So basically I think the solution to that is to just focus more on what >the person is saying. Then you’re just looking at her/his ideas, and >the akward-ness is gone.

I have found the inverse to be quite workable too: in small-talk situations people might not even notice that you’re concentrating 100% on their gestures (and features) and 0% on their verbal discourse.  Just remember to toss in the occasional appropriately timed "ah-hah". – — There is a lot of food in a supermarket, too, but a supermarket isn’t the best place to hold a dinner party. — Christopher Faylor —–BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE—– Version: GnuPG v1.4.2 (GNU/Linux) Comment: Please fetch my new key 804177F8 from hkp://wwwkeys.eu.pgp.net/ Comment: My current keys will expire in a month, please ask for ID checks now. iD8DBQFDJYHJ/FmLrNfLpjMRAnClAJ9ugrxxqYp2EUyo6zDRWDao6Hl7FACglCfs dUKbEOVICadZefH2ZRGj4Xo= =KZzK —–END PGP SIGNATURE—–

Response:

William P <willd…@sympatico.ca> wrote in news:Xns96CB97A26E202willdotpsympaticodot@207.35.177.134: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Lash Rambo <l…@fakeaddr.com> wrote in > news:Xns96CB8C8763CF7lrfakeaddrcom@ 68.1.17.6: >> "The Babaloughesian" <Doomed_forthesakeofmomen…@hotmail.com> wrote >> in news:1126193317.481097.284760@g43g2000cwa.googlegroups.com: >>> Don’t focus on an individual eye.  Focus on the area between their >>> eyes and use your peripheral vision to expand you field of view >>> sideways in both directions. >> Yeah, diverge your eyes.  Practice on those Magic Eye things, where >> you have to diverge your eyes to see the 3D picture. > Yeah!  Focus until you perceive that she has three eyes and > concentrate on the central one.  See if you can get set yourself up a > stereogram like that, too.

I can’t tell if you’re joking or not, but that’s pretty much what I had in mind!  If I have to make extended eye contact (such as during a job interview), I’ll start doing that. > Seriously I can’t tell if the original post is a fairly interesting > question or just a pretty clever unusual troll.

I can’t say for sure either, but it’s a legitimate concern.  The whole reason I know my wife switches eyes is because she brought the concern up one time. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> Alternatively, you could do what my wife says she does, which is >> switch from looking at one eye to the other every few seconds.

Response:

In news:1126202697.443703.149430@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com, brianlann…@gmail.com <brianlann…@gmail.com> wrote : > You’re trying too hard.  Eye contact is really more like face contact. > You should be trying to get their entire face into your field of view > so that you can see and interpret facial expressions. > One thing that I’ve seen some people do to me that is annoying is that > it seems like they’re constantly switching between looking at each of > my eyes.  It looks really odd.  If you’re looking at one, no one can > tell what you’re looking at specifically.  But if you switch back and > forth, people can see the disparity and it looks sort of wrong, maybe > too intense.

    I’ve noticed that actors constantly do that when they want to fake intensity. Must be an Actor’s Studio thing. > Another thing is that you don’t need to stare at someone’s eyes.  Good > eye contact means that you’re not hesitating to look into their eyes. > But it doesn’t mean that you can’t look away.  In fact, I think you > should look away from time to time.  Staring into people’s eyes for > long periods of time is either a sign of aggression or a romantic > thing.  Both of which could make people uncomfortable.

    Yeah.

Response:

In news:1126192348.359919.263410@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com, tad4…@hotmail.com <tad4…@hotmail.com> wrote : > My problem might be difficult to understand and is hard for me to > explain but it has affected me for years and its getting to the point > where its driving me crazy.  I am not shy when it comes to looking > someone in the eyes, my problem is i dont know which eye to look at > when speaking to someone.  I find when someone is talking to me they > are trying to adjust to where i am looking and i can see them looking > away from me uncomfortably.  I dont know if im explaing this right to > break it down more simple, if humans just had one eye it would be easy > because i would use my eye to look into there one eye.  But humans > have > 2. if im looking head on with a person should i be focusing on a > certain eye (for example, there right or left, if there head is to the > side the eye closest) My problem is determing which way to shift my > focus. any information would be greatly appreciated

    I used to have huge problems with eye-contact but it’s better now. Recently I faced the same problem (right or left eye), though I did not really care. I mean, who cares?? Like "there’s this guy, he never looks at my left eye!!! This is so insulting!! What does he want to say? That my left eye is ugly?!?".     But I noticed that I notice that, only when I become too self-conscious. When I’m not self-conscious, I just don’t care at all (I’m not even aware at which eye I’m looking at, if I’m not looking at both). When I become self-conscious about that, yeah, I feel like I’m too intense, that the person will notice that I’m staring at one eye, like I was studying it like an object. So I look away for a moment, and then I look at the other eye, until I forget it, and manage to get rid of that self-consciousness (there are so many other things to worry about!). Sometimes I also try to look at both eyes at the same time.     I’m also becoming aware right now that this problem mainly happens with my female friend. She has really beautiful blue eyes. I don’t know, maybe sometimes I need to study them. And although I wouldn’t want to make Babs mad by hijacking one more thread with a submission/dominance debate, I have to say that there is a difference between looking and being looked at. And to make it short (at 6am I should already be in bed), I think that my problem may not be whether I look at both eyes or just one. It may be that when I realize that I’m looking at one particular eye, I’m just realizing that I’m actually *looking* at the person, not being looked at. And of course, I feel guilty for that, and I would like to go back to a submissive position, I mean, like I had been caught staring at her boobs and I wanted to apologize for it. So basically when I feel that looking at one eye in particular is "too intense", it might just mean that I feel guilty for stripping the person, looking at her body (the eye as an organ), not just looking at her look.     The fact that when it happens, I usually solve the problem by looking down for a moment is probably quite telling. i.e. assuming a submissive posture : I’m sorry, I really didn’t want to strip you like I did.     So basically I think the solution to that is to just focus more on what the person is saying. Then you’re just looking at her/his ideas, and the akward-ness is gone.

Response:

My problem might be difficult to understand and is hard for me to explain but it has affected me for years and its getting to the point where its driving me crazy.  I am not shy when it comes to looking someone in the eyes, my problem is i dont know which eye to look at when speaking to someone.  I find when someone is talking to me they are trying to adjust to where i am looking and i can see them looking away from me uncomfortably.  I dont know if im explaing this right to break it down more simple, if humans just had one eye it would be easy because i would use my eye to look into there one eye.  But humans have 2. if im looking head on with a person should i be focusing on a certain eye (for example, there right or left, if there head is to the side the eye closest) My problem is determing which way to shift my focus. any information would be greatly appreciated

Response:

Don’t focus on an individual eye.  Focus on the area between their eyes and use your peripheral vision to expand you field of view sideways in both directions.

Response:

if tried that and it doesnt feel natural, i feel peoples eyes automatically adjust to which eye to look at whereas i’m trying to do it manually and its confusing me.  should i be using my left eye to look at their left eye or right to their right? or should i be using both eyes to be focusing on one of theirs? thanks for your help

Response:

"tad4…@hotmail.com" <tad4…@hotmail.com> wrote: > My problem might be difficult to understand and is hard for me to > explain but it has affected me for years and its getting to the point > where its driving me crazy.  I am not shy when it comes to looking > someone in the eyes, my problem is i dont know which eye to look at > when speaking to someone….

I tend to go for the eye on the right (their left eye), perhaps because I’m right handed.

Response:

It might be that your making the wrong kind of eye contact. Are you staring in their eyes for a long period of time? If so you should make eye contact only at the moments that the person is trying to get their point accross or wanting you to listen to them because when you make eye contact it shows you are taking an interest in what the person is "saying" and not their eyes. And which eye to look into? That is about the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

Response:

"The Babaloughesian" <Doomed_forthesakeofmomen…@hotmail.com> wrote in news:1126193317.481097.284760@g43g2000cwa.googlegroups.com: > Don’t focus on an individual eye.  Focus on the area between their eyes > and use your peripheral vision to expand you field of view sideways in > both directions.

Yeah, diverge your eyes.  Practice on those Magic Eye things, where you have to diverge your eyes to see the 3D picture. Alternatively, you could do what my wife says she does, which is switch from looking at one eye to the other every few seconds.

Response:

You’re trying too hard.  Eye contact is really more like face contact. You should be trying to get their entire face into your field of view so that you can see and interpret facial expressions. One thing that I’ve seen some people do to me that is annoying is that it seems like they’re constantly switching between looking at each of my eyes.  It looks really odd.  If you’re looking at one, no one can tell what you’re looking at specifically.  But if you switch back and forth, people can see the disparity and it looks sort of wrong, maybe too intense. Another thing is that you don’t need to stare at someone’s eyes.  Good eye contact means that you’re not hesitating to look into their eyes. But it doesn’t mean that you can’t look away.  In fact, I think you should look away from time to time.  Staring into people’s eyes for long periods of time is either a sign of aggression or a romantic thing.  Both of which could make people uncomfortable. brian

Response:

Lash Rambo <l…@fakeaddr.com> wrote in news:Xns96CB8C8763CF7lrfakeaddrcom@ 68.1.17.6: > "The Babaloughesian" <Doomed_forthesakeofmomen…@hotmail.com> wrote in > news:1126193317.481097.284760@g43g2000cwa.googlegroups.com: >> Don’t focus on an individual eye.  Focus on the area between their eyes >> and use your peripheral vision to expand you field of view sideways in >> both directions. > Yeah, diverge your eyes.  Practice on those Magic Eye things, where you > have to diverge your eyes to see the 3D picture.

Yeah!  Focus until you perceive that she has three eyes and concentrate on the central one.  See if you can get set yourself up a stereogram like that, too. Seriously I can’t tell if the original post is a fairly interesting question or just a pretty clever unusual troll. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Alternatively, you could do what my wife says she does, which is switch > from looking at one eye to the other every few seconds.

Response:

tad4…@hotmail.com wrote: > if tried that and it doesnt feel natural, i feel peoples eyes > automatically adjust to which eye to look at whereas i’m trying to do > it manually and its confusing me.  should i be using my left eye to > look at their left eye or right to their right? or should i be using > both eyes to be focusing on one of theirs? thanks for your help

Why don’t you just watch some other people talking and see what they do with their eyes? – Michaela, but I never read the OP so don’t mind me…

Response:

Filed under: Feminist

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